ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
