i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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