you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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