I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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