He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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