Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
