Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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