my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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