Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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