Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
