Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
