I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
