I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
