he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
