I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
