What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
