very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
