so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
