Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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