I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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