We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
