I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
