you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
