it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
