dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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