Jerry, you need to find god
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
