He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Define "chronic" masturbator.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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