That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
