How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
