Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
