The beer is more important than you right now.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
