when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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