dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
