I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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