You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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