Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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