The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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