i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
