$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
