A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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