Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
