he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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