just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
