I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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