If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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