I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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