Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
