So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
