I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
