No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
