Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
