a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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