Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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