i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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