Me too!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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