i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
