if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
