His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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