It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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