bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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