You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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